Jon and Kate Plus Eight Million

The Simpson's - "Eight Misbehavin"

The Zoo might not be the worst option.

It doesn’t seem fair commenting on a show I’ve only seen a handful of times but the tabloid media reports followed by the distressed couple’s counter-attack followed by the  media’s predictable backlash forced my hand.

Rather than sculpt a long-winded diatribe about how things went wrong for Jon, Kate, Sneezy, Dopey, Lefty, Wheezy, Ghengis, Alimony, Jon Jr. and Gonoria (some names may have been altered), below are some questions and statements inspired by this media meconium-storm.

  • Jon, my man, you have eight freakin kids, where are you finding the time to dine with a 23 year-old teacher, plutonic friend or not. I have one child and two lizards and I’m lucky to find a private moment for grooming.
  • Celebrity tabloid magazines offer an insepid and unhealthy view of the world. The obscene popularity stems from America’s obsessesion with being famous or emulating those who are famous so it’s no surprise after building J&K for so long, it was time to blow things up. These publishers don’t help people, they sell headlines so why are J&K surprised?
  • Call me old-fashioned but I’ll take a “Return of Batboy” or “Jesus’ Sandal Found in Hoboken, NJ” headline any day
  • What’s the point of having a bodyguard if you can’t enjoy “benefits.” Don’t they all look like Kevin Costner? 
  • At what point did Jon and Kate realize the TLC show was doing less to provide materialistically in favor of burdening them with intense scrutiny and overexposure.
  • Would anyone be surprised to see a spin-off reality show with Octo-mom and Kate called, Eighteen’s Company?
  • From a PR perspective, the only way Jon or Kate come out on top here is if the kids end up being MENSA-level scholars or if Sarah Palin adopts the whole crew and makes them the poster family for abstinence.
  • Ever see that Simpson’s episodewhere Apu and his wife Manjula have eight kids and are offered a venue to raise them in the Springfield Zoo by owner Larry Kidkill? That option is sounding better every day.
  • The recent divorce rumors have got to make you think; if a previously happy couple who received in-vitro fertilization, had eight children, opened their family up to millions via reality TV and became lascivious fodder for tabloids can’t make a marriage work, what hope is there for any of us?

Divorce is brutal without eight kids and while I’m sure the tabloids and chat rooms are praying for a major custody and court battle, I’d guess the majority of those who pay attention would prefer a happily-ever-after ending to this story, myself included. The trappings of fame are more obvious than ever. As social media tools proliferate and celebrity tabloids fly off the stands, we’re headed towards levels of narcissism not seen since the 70’s  summed up in Tom Wolfe’s 1976 New York Times essay, “The ‘Me’ Decade and the Third Great Awakening.” 

On second thought, maybe self-absorption isn’t so bad after all. I would dedicate 30 minutes a week to watch the daily foibles of a tech PR guy raising a child and family of lizards in suburbia.

Posted by: Nick



One Response to Jon and Kate Plus Eight Million

  1. J says:

    From a teaching standpoint, the fallout of these types of situations, whether or not they suffer media scrutiny, is an ever-increasing population of emotionally damaged children requiring greater resources that our public facilities are less and less able to supply. In response to this growing problem I am personally spearheading a campaign to help alleviate the impact this type of situation has on children. I am establishing a foundation for the Children of Numerically Different families Oppressed by the Media or C.O.N.D.O.M. please support our cause and save these children from tabloidal ruin!

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